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Fishing Humor

"It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming" -John Steinbeck

"Men and fish are alike. They both get in trouble when they open their mouths." - Jimmy Moore

Fishing, like most other endeavors in life, has its humorous side. Presented below is a collection of fishing related humor that caught our fancy at one time or another. We would be pleased to add your favorites to this list, email us here.

1. One-liners and Short Sayings

2. Cartoon Collection

3. Fishing Jokes
... How much did that fish weigh?
... Got Crabs?, Missing in Alaska
... Fishing or Sex?
... Other side of the river
... NASA + Chicken = Rocket Science
... Steelhead for blondes
... Blonde Policewoman
... Blonde in a row boat
... Blonde ice fishing
... Blonde Snowman
... Blonde Waitress
... Blonde Puzzle
... More blonde jokes
... Indian vs white man logic
... Why is my boat going so slow?
... Pet fish and game wardens
... Fisherman and the monk
... Trout pond and nudes
... Thanksgiving parrot
... Best boat salesman!
... You're dead!
... Redneck fishing trip
... Reading woman and the warden
... Twenty reasons why fishing is different than sex
... Dead pet goldfish
... Words with alternative meanings
... Homeless man
... Sharks and attorneys
... Are you in a vegetative state?
... Carp Fishing

4. Other Fun Things
... Everything you need to know about jig fishing! . . . Well sort of (video)
... Fish the Kenai River - Game
... Man steals salmon from bear -- a fun video

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 44 lbs 10 oz.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength .and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

A blonde gal is driving down the freeway and gets stopped by a female cop who is also a blonde, who asks the motorist for her license.

She fumbles thru her purse, and becoming frustrated, asks the cop "what's it look like?"

The cop says "it's square and has your picture on it."

Finally the motorist finds a small mirror in her purse, looks at it and sees herself, and hands it to the cop.

She looks at it and gives it back saying "OK you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop!"

A blond decides to go ice fishing, so she packs up all her gear, a blanket, a picnic, wine and her ice fishing gear She sits down on the ice, enjoys her picnic, has some wine and decides to cut the hole in the ice so she can fish.

Suddenly a voice comes out of nowhere and says, "There are no fish under the ice there."

She looks around, shrugs, picks up her blanket and all her gear and moves down the ice a little further. She spreads the blanket, takes out her picnic gear and has some more to eat and drink. After a bit she decides to cut a hole in the ice to fish and again the voice comes out of the air. "There are no fish under the ice there."

She moves her blanket and gear on down the ice and gets comfortable but this time goes right to cutting the hole in the ice. Again the voice comes out of the air. "There are no fish under the ice there."

She looks around and not seeing anyone asks out loud, "Are you God? Who are you?"

And the voice replies, "The Ice Rink Manager."

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after
blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off.

A mile down the road, she saw a blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled

"You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A blond called the fire department on her cell phone and said "Help, Help my house is on fire!!"
They replied "How do we get there?" The blond sez "DUH, BIG RED TRUCK!"
Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you call an all-blond skydiving team? A: A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
I once had a blonde girlfriend who invited me downtown for lunch. Told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON"T WALK"!
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty salmon, plenty beaver, woman did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

SLOW BOAT - Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Arizona recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, Here, I'll show you. It really works." The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT to see this!."

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

"No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

An elderly southern gentleman had owned a large plantation for many years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old gentleman decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women 'skinny-dipping' in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or even to make you get out of my pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Thanksgiving Parrot - A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got even more angry and rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "No, but I am a pretty quick learner." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. After his first day on the job, the boss came down and asked, "How many sales did you make today ?" Kid says, "One !"

The boss says, "Just one ! Our sales people generally average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$121,237.64"

The boss says "$121,237.64 ! What the heck did you sell ?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish-hook. Then I sold him a medium fish-hook. Then I sold him a larger fish-hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and then asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast. So, I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Grady White. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it; so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4X4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck ?"

Kid says, "No," he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishin'."

Four guys, without their wives’ permission, skip their chores and jobs for the day to head out the river for a day of fishing.

All day ...the fishing is just incredible, one after another they get hookups with big springers, cohos, chum. Late in the day, one of the guys hooks into a HUGE fish 45+lbs. He plays it very carefully and just as he gets it to shore, he sees how big the fish really is!!! In all the excitement he grabs his chest, slumps to the ground and in spite of efforts from his friends, he dies right there in front of them with the fish still flopping on the beach.

Well, the guys are so shocked and knowing they have skipped work that day and that his wife is not easy to get along with, will be so upset, none of them want to drive over to the house and give her the bad news. So they draw straws and Jim gets the short one.

Over he goes to the guy’s house still his fishing gear and when his wife comes to the door. He tells her "Sara, today the fishing was so good on the river, your husband Larry and the rest of us want to stay over in a motel overnight and hit the river at first light before we go to work".

She pauses for a minute and replies "You tell Larry to drop dead!!!" Jim promptly turns on his heels and says "OK, Sara, I'll go back to the river and tell him"

From the Arkansas Democrat Gazette: - Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Cletus Johnson, 33, of Des Arc and Clem Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a fishing trip.

On an overcast Sunday night, Cletus's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Clem noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling about 20 miles and Just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Cletus in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Cletus suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Clem sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Cletus shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Clem.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Billie-Joe, Cletus’s wife, asked how many fish the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Billie-Joe.)

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Washington. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap.

Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings.
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on him."

Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow."

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"

Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Will you spend the money on a fishing trip instead of food?" the man asked.

"HECK NO!" replied the homeless man. "I can barely get around these days much less go in a boat". (JR)

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, sex and fishing."

Q - Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A - You have to hollow out the head.

A priest and an attorney decided to take a day off and go fishing at the Farrallon Islands for rock fish. The attorney got snagged on the bottom and as he was leaning over the railing trying to free his line, a wave hit broadside throwing him overboard.

Just as the attorney surfaced, the priest saw the fin of a large great white circling the attorney at an increasing pace. Before the priest could react, the great white grabbed the attorney in its cavernous jaws and began swimming directly to the boat.

Then with one swift movement of its head, the great white threw the attorney back in the boat. "Oh my lord, I do not believe what I have just witnessed. It is a miracle and the hand of god" said the priest.

"No father" said the attorney, "Just professional courtesy."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.